Thanks for writing this review. You have nicely stated what I always wanted to. Her teachings are so often “worshipped” and believed to be Biblically strong, but I’m afraid they aren’t. I cant say thank you enough!

I was glad to read this review. It contained some of the same concerns I had shared with my husband from reading Created to be His Help Meet. Although hesitant to hand this book to young women, I found it challenged my thinking of the home being mostly about relationships in God’s design. And the marriage relationship superceeding all others. With many children I find I need this reminder. I have used it though to create discussion with younger women about serving and loving their husbands instead of thinking he is here to fulfill me and was created for me. Thanks for the discernment and wisdom you bring to this book.

I agree with all that you said. I found this book to be helpful in changing my bad attitude about serving my family, however I disagreed with some things she presented. I may have misinterpreted (it’s been a few years since I read it) but it also seemed to me that she was saying that if you have illness or crisis in your life it’s because of sin you have that you haven’t acknowledged and I strongly disagree. Thanks for the review!

thank you for your very excellant review. i found it very helpful. i had been asked by a relative who was not raised in a Christian home to review this book for her, and i was troubled but couldn’t put my finger on it. you laid it out perfectly and i was able to share your insights.
thank you again.

The two most dangerous things about this book are: It teaches that wives are responsible for their husband’s sin. It teaches that a wife is lay her own life down as a servant to her husband. This is completely backward and unscriptural.. Scripture teaches that the husband is the PRIMARY servant/leader. He is to love his wife and give himself up for her as Christ gave himself for the church.
This book makes me wonder if Mrs. Pearl(or her husband) understands the Biblical institution of marriage as a picture of Christ and his bride.

Thank you for writing this review. I read this book years ago and am sad to say I did not read it with a wise, discerning spirit. It reinforced some unhealthy expectations I had about pleasing my husband. Somehow I took her message to say that if I was doing enough as a wife then my husband would be content and happy. The truth is, he will not always be content and happy. His needs cannot be fully met by me; only God can fully satisfy our needs. Praise God He has helped me release the guilt and feeling of responsibility for my husband’s happiness. I absolutely do my best to love him and serve him; but his emotional state is God’s and his business. And God is so very faithful! Thank you again for your review.

At last. A thoughtful, considered, biblical review of a book that can be – to say the least – dangerous in the hands of a young believing woman. Hats of to HEA Reviews for publishing honest truth, even if it is not “popular” to do so. Thank you, Sarah, for your grace-filled words.

Thank you for this honest, well done review. As Kim has said, I’ve found many that hold CTBHHM at a nearly Scriptural level, believing that it is nearly without error. I’m glad to see people finally having the courage to stand up against the tide, and give honest assessments of this book.

I am one of those women who has been greatly helped by this book. I had fallen into the habit of blaming my husband for everything that was wrong in our relationship because he wasn’t “spiritual” enough. Mrs. Pearl helped me to see the sinfulness in my self-righteousness. She was the older woman I needed to hold a mirror to the habits of thinking that were killing my marriage, to give me practical steps to improve in my role as helpmeet. In this age of easy divorce among believers, it was refreshing for her to encourage fidelity to our vows, even in the face of “suffering”. All too often that suffering is simply our selfish desire for affirmation from others and I think she makes it clear when to draw the line at abuse.

ditto what everyone said about thanking you for this very thoughtful discerning review. This book has always troubled me and you articulated it well.

I would like to add a couple of positive comments in support of Created to be His Helpmeet, a book which I recommend to nearly every wife I meet, which in turn has engendered either extreme gratitude or hatred, depending on the openness of the individual. I have seen it seriously challenge and improve marriages personally, and one of my friends has stated it is the only book she has ever read that really made a difference in her difficult yet Christian marriage. Personally, having grown up in a Christian home, I found it was one of the first books to wives that was not condescending to the men and actually gave me some tips to work on. It’s a great one for slaying self-pity!

The book reveiw above states that the book is composed largely of opinion and not on Scripture. If you are going to seek support from a book and not learn from Scripture alone, you are bound to run into someone’s opinion. The purpose of the book is to provide “an older woman” to suggest practical contemporary biblically-based solutions to a very blinded, feminist-leaning culture. But Debi Pearl is anything but a doormat pushmover example of a woman. She is like a Rush Limbaugh or Laura Schlessinger for Christian women. It takes a bold, confrontational voice to wake up some of the habitually domineering ladies in this culture. I am so sick of the weak, thinly-velied selfish excuses used to initiate divorces, tearing up homes to ensure the happiness of some woman seeking her “fulfillment”. Furthermore, compared to the way most television sitcom actresses tell the men off in their lives, Debi’s loudly opinionated comments pale in comparison. I think it’s ok to tell us women that some of our problems could potentially be our own fault. When I counsel a woman, I always tell her that my job is to help her to be a good wife, assuming that God will need to get through to her husband to change the things he needs to change . This is the solution we are given in the Bible (1 Peter 3:1). I think the Pearls assume the same; Debi is hard on the women, but her husband is hard on the men. Why write another book for couples? Who’s most likely to read it? The women, of course, and they will take the sections addressed to the men and guilt their husband with them, distracting them from working on their own problems.

I love that Debi boldy calls women out for using their spirituality as a mask to introduce a control that most husbands will sadly give up and never try for again.

Also, I would disagree with the statement that Debi makes family size an issue. She actually encourages large-family minded women to submit to their husband’s desire for family size, and theorizes that if she had married a middle-class Baptist preacher, they would have had only 2 children, and she would have been content. (This was in a recent issue of their magazine)

And to the accusation that she only addresses marriage from the perspective of her and her husband, I beg to differ that she gives four examples of different types of men, and how women can relate to each of them.

I am sorry that her strong words have offended some, but I do not think that the book should not be recommended on the basis that it’s strong message makes some uncomfortable. I hardly ever hear a marriage message to seriously challenge us women and give us something to work on. I think we can take it from a very bold, Appalacian Southern-direct talking, but funny and loving woman.

While I appreciate the time the reviewer took to write her concerns, I feel they are too strong also very opinionated. The biblical challenges and testimonies that Mrs. Pearl puts forth to her (mostly) American readers is very needed in our culture and society today and they FAR outweigh some of her opinions and sarcastic comments. I found her sarcasm straight forward and needed! I strongly believe that there is much more to learn from this book than to caution. I do not come from a conservative background, but I find her writing very refreshing in a society that is becoming increasingly more liberal. Her book is NOT the bible, but its instruction to wives is more biblical than I’ve heard anywhere else.

I thank you for taking the time to leave your comments in praise of the book as well. That is the design of the site. I would just like to reply since a couple of you have disagreed with me and then gone on to discuss how easily and lightly divorce is handled in our society. I am in NO WAY excusing that. I am vehemently against divorce and believe that many people today give up too easily.

I also think that sometimes people get confused between review and summary. A review is supposed to contain the writer’s opinion. A summary is a summary of the content.

I do thank each of you for taking the time to leave a comment and participate in the discussion.

I, too, thank you for an honest review. It is always important to match a book like this with Scripture. There are several areas where the truths of Scripture are stretched to make a point. This is where knowing your Bible and listening to God’s Holy Spirit in your life are very important. It no longer is a book that I recommend to young women/wives because it takes much discernment to evaluate each area presented.

Heidi, I completely agree with your comment. When I first read Debi Pearl’s book, I was a new believer and not quite sure what “submit” in a Biblical sense looked like. CBHHM gave me the visual that I needed. I commend Debi for her tough to hear words at times, but I didn’t read the book to have my ears tickled… I read it to learn and be challenged. Like everything else, I will take what is Biblical and apply it to my marriage and if there is some wisdom in a godly woman like Debi, I consider what she has to say.

We all need to be discerning and know the difference between God’s truth and man’s teaching. I had to be willing to change those things that Debi held up a mirror to and ask the Lord to give me a heart to change those things in me.

Although her book may be hard at points…it is what is needed. If we want a feel good and have a pity party book, then we need to look elsewhere, they are a dime a dozen.

I have found that this book gets either one or the other reaction. Women love it or hate it. I for one loved it. I have given it to several brides and they are so thankful to have started their marriage off with the teaching that they learned in Debi’s book.

My husband has just informed me that he has ordered Mike Pearl’s latest book that complements this one for men. I’ve no doubt that Mike Pearl with approach it with the same boldness and candor that he is well known for.

This discussion has been interesting. I, too, thank Sarah for the honest review of this book. I wished that I could have ripped out the least desirable parts and shared the best. Alas, I had to “throw the baby out with the bath water” on this one.
Though the categorizing of husbands is a “fun” exercise and we did all have a good time playing that game, I found no biblical basis for this idea. I rather prefer to view our husbands traits with Scriptural character in focus.
Also, I could not have handed this book to any of my grown daughters as it greatly lacks one very important quality: discretion. Unfortunately, some parts are downright embarrassing; I found no need to read about what goes through a young man’s mind while he is sitting in church and certainly did not want my daughters dwelling on it.
It’s really too bad.

All of your ‘cons’ are the exact reason I put the book down and never picked it up again. I have friends who read it…when they know they are not being submissive just because they say it is so extreme…it brings them to the middle…OY!

Thank you Sarah for standing up for truth. I have not read this book, but I appreciate your frank review and I commend you for having courage to state that the book is “dangerous” because of the “truth mixed with error” and it should be read with discernment. One comment though–
I receive these reviews through Home Educating Family and the magazine has a heavy influence on many, and you, as an extension, do as well. For that reason and for the glory of God, I wish that you had simply stated that this is not a book you would recommend to be read by women desiring to honor their God and husband. There are so many other biblically solid books on this topic, why waste time and money on something that requires so much discernment as you wade through opinions, that you say “add human teaching to Scripture on the same level”? That comment alone turns me off from ever reading it.

Thank you for your review. I have read this book several times, and while I do not agree 100% with everything Mrs Pearl writes ( will anyone ever?) I think it is a very good book for -
wives that have been married awhile and need a reminder on what to focus on. It is a resource and not a ‘Thou shalt” & “thou shalt not” or else. Although there could be some of that in there. I read it with my Bible, and I have only recommended to other ladies who are ‘mature’ enough to handle it. I have gotten quite a lot out of the book, but only after I reread it, not from the first reading. Thanks again.

I have similar feelings about the book. I was troubled by some parts of it as well and asked my husband about it. he actually laughed at some parts and said that was not what he wanted. I’m not talking about the submissive parts but more the “running of the house” outline she gives. I started to feel like a failure if I wasn’t doing everything like she said i the book and it turned out that’s not what my husband even wanted. Keeping open communication and actually asking your husband will benefit you more than trying to live up to what works for someone else. We all have different husbands and not everything will work the same way for all of us. In fact, some husbands may HATE some of her guidelines. While I do think that some women do not respect and show their love properly to their husbands, each family dynamic is different and we shouldn’t judge each other based on what we think is the only way to (“right”). Let’s not divide over this. Encourage each other to love and respect their husbands but do not insist it has to be this way or it’s wrong. Talk to your husbands he can tell you better than anyone else how he will feel loved and respected. Overall, the book has a good idea but there’s too much opinion and makes you feel wrong if you are not doing it “her” way. I enjoyed the review!

I believe if one reads this book with the discernment of Scripture and takes away what God would say to them in particular, then it is a good book. No one is ever going to have the same opinion about any book. I may not totally agree with all that she wrote about, but she wrote about many different people, personalities and from many backgrounds. Personally, I liked the book, was hesitant about

I believe if one reads this book with the discernment of Scripture and takes away what God would say to them in particular, then it is a good book. No one is ever going to have the same opinion about any book. I may not totally agree with all that she wrote about, but she wrote about many different people, personalities and from many backgrounds. Personally, I liked the book, was hesitant about giving it to some, but when those same people

The problem with this review is that your negatives contain quotes that are out of context. I am surprised that the several women who have shared how Created has blessed them didn’t catch these.

First, regarding the statement, “She writes on page 139: “…she must also earn the right to be loved.”” – that is taken totally out of context! The sub-title to that section is “Not Fair”. The full sentence is this, “It doesn’t seem fair that the wife is expected to honor and obey her husband even though he has not earned the right; yet she must also earn the right to be loved.” The entire point of the section is that we don’t earn the love of our husbands, nor do they earn our honor and respect. Debi writes in that same paragraph, “If my husband were talking to men, he would tell them to love their wives regardless of how they act. But remember, this is me, the aged woman, telling the young girls what they can do to make a heavenly marriage.”

Next, on pg. 258, the last sentence of that page clearly states that Michael Pearl is the author of the upcoming pages, specifically pages 259-265. You know when it changes back to Debi’s pen because of Michael’s “signature”, thus ending his remarks. So your last two “troubling” remarks incorrectly list Debi as the author, when, indeed, it is her husband sharing with us.

Regarding the quote “…some abuse.” on page 263, Michael is addressing the chains of authority that God has set in place. The full sentence is, “First, the chain of authority must remain intact, even to the point of allowing some abuse.” Throughout history, God HAS allowed His people, even the most devout, righteous, and obedient, to suffer abuse. Read in context, this is not even addressing the marriage at this point.

Yet, on pages 266 and 267, Debi makes it clear that if a husband breaks the law of man, the wife has an obligation to contact the authorities and allow him to suffer the consequences of his own actions in breaking the law. This would include physical violence as it is illegal in (I think) all states at this point. Most states don’t even give the wife an opportunity to change her mind once the police have been called. I have never read the Pearls advocate for a woman to stay in a dangerous, illegal situation, ever.

Regarding the sentence, “God is seeking your glory.” from page 264, again in context, it is completely Biblical. The full context says, “God is seeking your glory. Glory comes from doing the unusual, the brave, the wonderful, compared to what is normally done. When a Christian wife does what a woman of the world would never do-cheerfully obey an unworthy man simply because God commands-God in heaven is glorified.” That reads to me that the woman would be offering her fleshly glory over to her God in her act of obedience to His Word when she is obedient to her husband. Consider Sarah’s obedience to Abraham. Was not Sarah lifted up as a lovely picture of obedient faithfulness when she obeyed Abraham, even to the point of being offered to Pharoah? God was glorified. Sarah gave her glory to God in humbling herself in such a way through her obedience to Abraham, a man who was not worthy of obedience at that moment.

I have no problems disagreeing with someone about liking or not liking a book. I appreciate an honest review. However, the problem with this review is that it contains false, dishonest wordsmithing to color this book negatively. In the future, I will be less trustworthy of Home Educating Family reviews.

This is a very valuable book! Don’t read more into the book than what is there. Be open and prayerful in reading it and let God show you what He has for you through it.

Founding father and 1st Justice of the Supreme Court, John Jay, once observed that “Whatever makes men good Christians, makes them good citizens.” I would say the same is absolutely true for wives; whatever makes us good Christians makes us good wives!

Scripture tells us that “Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God.” (Romans 10:17) By growing in our relationship with Christ and seeking to obey the great commands of loving God and others, we will become the wives we ought to be!

Sadly, Debi Pearl has chosen to provide a woman-made paradigm full of dangerous advice for women. In fact, cult awareness ministries are receiving phone calls now from pastors who are horrified at what her teachings are doing in their churches!

Sarah, your thoughts are good ones…you were very gracious! Here are a few things I observed after reading this book several times:

http://www.thatmom.com/book-reviews/created-to-be-his-helpmeet-0-stars/

What an arrogant and truly awful book this is. I will say from the start that I am a lifelong Atheist married to an Atheist and raising an Atheist family. My husband and I are often look at books like this to see how “the other side” thinks and we tend to be horrified most of the time.

My husband and I, for example, as atheists do not believe that he is the head of the household or that I must obey him or put him as my head. I have a doctorate degree and teach college as well as working with homeschooled kids and their parents. Our relationship is based on mutual love and respect. I am not anyone’s “helpmeet”. My husband and I share all responsibilities equally from financial matters to cooking, cleaning, and childcare and make all decisions together. We can’t even imagine how Christian women must have a serious lack of self-esteem believing that they are put here to be someone’s doormat and dog, a maid, cook, sex worker, breed mare, and servant. Notice the Christian beliefs involve women bringing sin into the world and women having to be silent in the church and obedient to husbands. Notice also that the “creator” is male- a Father, a Son, a male Holy Spirit. Yet it is WOMEN who bring forth life.

What a sad, strange life women who follow this book will live. They will lack in education, adventure, a satisfying career, and will be a pathetic drudge of a role model for their daughters who are being encouraged to be someone’s “helpmeet”.

In our family, girls are encouraged and helped to earn doctorates, open businesses, and have satisfying careers, to travel the world, to do volunteer work here and abroad (not to preach to others but to truly help), and more.
Also, as an historian, you should know that there was no historical Jesus (look at Timothy Freke and Peter Gandy’s THE JESUS MYSTERIES to see actual research references on this). I would not want to brainwash any child of mine into obeying the commands or having a relationship with a mythical “god”.

That rating is for your review, not the book. Thank you so much for warning about the dangers of following this book too closely. I was given this book by a fellow homeschool mom. I read through it with an open mind because I had not been told anything but good about the book. However, not very far into the book, I began to feel condemned for everything I was not doing for my husband, and for needing any affection or companionship besides his. I let it get me down for a little while, and tried to do better, but then when I began to share out loud to my husband and later to my mom the things that I was reading, I realized that this book was the reason I was feeling downtrodden. This book put an unnecessary burden on me, one that I believe God never meant for me to bear. I am a very conservative person, more so than most of the people I know, including the people in my church. So when I say these things, it is not from a feminist point of view. I totally believe in submission as the Bible teaches, but not the kind that the Pearls teach. I finally stopped reading the book because I was saddened to think of all the people who would actually try to follow this advice and live with the impossible burden of fulfilling all her husband’s needs and placing the impossible burden on him of meeting all her emotional and relational needs.

This book brought about nothing but condemnation in my life. Romans 8 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” I can never do everything right to make my husband happy, and in fact, when I was trying so hard to be the Pearls’ definition of a submissive wife, my husband became nearly impossible to live with. The more I did for him, the more he expected of me, and what I was doing to start with was so overwhelming that I thought I might lose my sanity.

One book that helped turn our whole marriage around was “Boundaries in Marriage”. I learned from that book that I cannot control my husband’s happiness. I can only control what I do and how I respond to him. Before reading “Boundaries”, I allowed his anger to control me, because I thought that is what submission looked like. But after, I began to place boundaries on how I allowed him to treat me and the children. He treats us much better now, and he is happier for it. I don’t “rule the roost” or anything like that. I am still submissive to his wishes and enjoy taking care of him, but he and I both know that I will not be his doormat. If I had kept following Debi Pearl’s advice, I don’t know if I would still be married today.

This is a book I adore! Though with anything, chew the meat and spit out the bones. I believe in the 90/10 rule, I only recommend books I agree with 90% or more of. This one I recommend to any woman but i often discuss it with them first. I was saved reading this book, called out of a false ‘proverbs 31′ woman life (it was just feminist mentality masked with scripture manipulated to make me feel obedient to Gods word) and called into a true walk with Christ. She, through the Holy Spirit of course, helped me see my sin in a way no one else could have. I am eternally thankful for that!
My warning is usually to remember she is writing from her experience with her husband. Her husband is different from all of ours. Her breakdown of 3 different types of men is spot on and we must adjust to our own husband. She is obviously a strong woman and writes as such, a woman could take that as being told what to do which is not what I believe is her intention, I think its just how she is as a woman and how she best relates to her husband. A woman in an abusive situation would not see this book through a strong woman’s eyes but instead a victims eyes which can be dangerous. That is a woman I would try to council more if she read it. Honestly, this was the most empowering book I have ever read on Biblical womanhood. It rightly divided fro me what God sees as true weakness and true strength because my worldview was SO far off. I needed a strong rebuke and reproof and this book delivered it. As with anything, chew the meat and spit out the bones, its not the Bible but a good analysis of scripture written from years of wisdom as a wife herself. This has been the most practical manual for wives I have found. Many just offer advice or testimony, which is helpful but sometimes more is needed, Debi lays it all out and shows how to walk it out effectively. God surely used this book to save not only my marriage but also my soul!

Loved this review. Haven’t read the book in its entirety, as I couldn’t. When I picked it up, I was in an abusive marriage. If I hadn’t done what I did (everything “wrong” according to CTBHHM!) My marriage would have ended with me dead and our children in state care. But I stood up, I left and refused to work with a man who cared nothing for me. Amazingly, my husband took my actions as a wake-up call to his behaviour and got the help he needed. Today we are 9 months into a miraculous reconciliation, complete with 4 children, including our 4 month old hope baby. Books I would recommend over this one for any couple with a struggling marriage: Every Man’s Marriage and The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His. The Pearls are the same couple whose teachings on parenting have been linked to several cases of child abuse resulting in death, in the US. I’m very very hesitant to use any of their materials because of the truth mixed with error. Sooo close to the truth, but off just enough to be extremely dangerous.

While I don’t completely agree with either writer, there is only one Book that should be followed without hesitation. All other books are interpretations of what they believe, what works in their life, and where they are in their walk with our Lord and Savior.

Thank you for an honest review of this book. I totally agree.

I have had this book for about 6 years and I agree completely with you! There are some great nuggets of truth, but quite a bit I took with my Bible open! I think there is great wisdom in this book, but at the same time, some things she says are just not sound enough for me.

To begin with, I do think that ANY book, review or article will have opinion in it. It is silly to fault this book because the author reveals her opinion. That is the key to understanding this book. Even the Bible can (and is frequently) be taken out of context. We must read ANY book, review or article with discernment. This book is no different. So speaking of opinion… here are mine regarding the negatives of this book.

“She writes in a tone that frequently comes across arrogant and sarcastic .”

I can understand how her tone can come across that way. I have friends who were put off by this. However, I think it is misinterpreted. In person, she did not strike me that way at all. She came across as sweet, confident, knowledgeable, a strong southern woman. Her tone frequently made me smile more than anything, but I happen to like the southern way of things.

“She mentions repeatedly that a motive for staying with an ungodly husband is so a wife would not end up as a single mom or homeless. I agree with some of her examples that wives leave or give up on their marriage wrongly. However, the motivation should not be our financial condition, but to honor God’s teaching in Scripture.”

I agree with you. Our motivation should absolutely be to honor God’s teaching in Scripture. My thoughts on this are that many (especially young) wives can frequently live in a fantasy world of their own when their marriages are not going according to their plan. I experienced this. And if the only thing holding someone there is the hard truth that it could ABSOLUTELY be harder without him than with him, then I think it’s good and wise for an older woman to add this as part of their advice. Society sure won’t. Friends and family are often all to prone to offer comfort or asylum away from the offending husband. I see her trying to bring reality and wisdom in a practical way.

“She writes on page 139: “…she must also earn the right to be loved.” I would challenge this statement from Scripture that a husband or wife does not earn the right to be loved. A spouse loves because that is what God commands. (She does say that her husband would teach men to love their wives regardless of behavior; but yet she still uses “earn the right” in her statement.)”

You’re right again. Scripture does not teach us that we need to “earn the right to be loved”. God loves us unconditionally. However, there are consequences when we deviate from His teachings and behavior that is right. I can tell you that I personally needed to hear this. I came into marriage with a princess mentality, that my husband would love me unconditionally like God does (or that he should). I tended to put the ball in his court. As people we tend to downplay our own faults and over dramatize our husbands (or others). In small ways, that seemed inconsequential to me, I was disrespecting him. It didn’t come from a overt effort to do so, but from the deep seated sentiments I had inside. I didn’t feel loved enough and I resented that. I needed a kick in the pants, a realistic mirror to snap me back into God’s will for a wife and this book was that for me.

“She tackles the controversial topic of birth control. She discusses the advantages to large families. Then she states:”The most selfish people I have known were an only child or a last child who came along ten years behind the other children and grew up like an only child.” (page 247) This statement is arrogant, dogmatic, and stereotypical. She does not allow any room for God’s grace in the life of an only child or for parental influence. Being reared in a large family is not the sole guarantee that a child will not grow into a selfish adult. She also does not seem to allow God’s sovereignty in family size. There are occasions when parents desire large families and God does not grant them that desire.”

I was reared in a family of five and still grew up pretty selfish (although pretty cleverly disguised). I had two cousins I played with regularly who were only children and they WERE very selfish, but how could they know any different, as children? My father in law was an only child and STILL has trouble sharing with his wife (although I have seen him change in the last 5 years – due to some hard circumstances… they tend to soften us) They were mostly alone, always the boss. I agree, it’s not a good idea to generalize, there are always exceptions. However, I don’t think she is trying to put people down or not allow room for God’s grace. I think she’s just being “raw” which can come across as rude sometimes. Again, just an opinion. I tend to think large families are something that God likes (because of things said in scripture), but doesn’t demand. And you are right, there are plenty of families that cannot have that desire. Most of the people I’ve known do not want them, however, as they are seen as demands on time, money and convenience. I think she is responding to that trend in our society.

“She discusses enduring wrongful suffering. She mentions enduring “some abuse.” ( page 263) This seems like muddy waters to navigate. Might a woman hesitate to seek safety from physical abuse by carrying this to the extreme? She is clear in other parts of the book to report sexual abuse to authorities. With her statement, it is unclear if she means emotional or physical abuse. And, what level is “some?””

Even the Bible doesn’t address this issue. If anything we see terrible abuses in the Bible… Judges is probably one of the worst examples. It showcases the depravity of the people at that time. Definitely muddy. I think this is the biggest (by far) objection people have to this book. I’ve lived with people who have been abused, and I’m not saying that real abuse doesn’t happen…. I have a friend who’s job is to help women who have been through horrendous circumstances. The bulk of what I’ve seen and experienced first hand, though, has been self inflicted and accused for selfish motives. I think it’s good she leaves a gray area here. Some cases need flight and protection, some need a kick in the pants and some God fearing humility and obedience. There is no way to define this. You either don’t write anything or are brave and give some guidelines while allowing for the person to need outside assistance. To give specific advice you must actually counsel someone and know their specific situation. I think her point here is that much of what we tend to call abuse in our society can be given a 180 degree turn by a change in our heart and behavior as we saw in the case of Sunny. She had a choice and she chose to stay and change. I chose the same for my marriage (who at the time was an angry man). I began to see the ways I provoked his wrath and when I began to change so did he. It could be totally different for someone in different circumstances, but I think she’s wanting women to see that most of them CAN have a choice. I have a friend who did not choose to stay, or to change, but continued to blame. She lost her kids, she lost her home and she lost her life in the end, drowning her hurt heart in alcohol. Everyone’s situation is different, but the straightforward teachings in this book (telling me to stay when others were telling me to leave) are what have made my marriage great!

“She mentions motivation for enduring suffering. She states “God is seeking your glory.” (page 264) I would argue that God is seeking His glory. God allows things in our lives and shows His power, glory, and sovereignty through it. Though she does later mention “God is glorified” (page 264) through a biblical response to a wife’s suffering, her original statement seems to twist the focus.”

I don’t really have a response for this one. I don’t have my book because it is lent out currently, but agree with you. God seeks to glorify Himself, through us. We know that if we are able to carry out His commands it is because HE has done it through us, through the power and work of His Holy Spirit. That is the only, only way I’ve been able to 1) read this book without being VERY angry and defensive, 2) Obey the principles found in Titus, 1 Peter and elsewhere, to honor, give respect to and obey my husband and 3) do it in a way that is not self serving and manipulative. This book highlighted the ways that I had grown to learn ways of manipulating and frustrating my husband into my own designs. I didn’t have a clue I was doing this, but this book illuminated it for me, while the Holy Spirit gave me the strength to break them. For that reason, I highly recommend this book to all I know. Has it angered women, yes, but I would rather run that risk and recommend a hard hitting book that doesn’t hesitate to reveal the weaknesses we tend to have as women and gives us the dignity of using our Holy Spirit discernment, than trying to soften things because someone may not be able to take it. If someone hadn’t recommended it to me, my marriage would not be a happy place. I praise God for people who are willing to speak their mind and let me decide if it is correct or no. Be bold, be daring and willing to speak of the hard things, be willing to share things that require discussion and a digging in of the Word. I think that’s what the author would want… for us to be like the Bereans.

I’m glad to read some honest discussion among Christians about this book. I read TTUAC and some content of the Pearl’s website, which ended with me deciding to stay as far away from their teachings as possible. I actively warn people about it whenever it comes up. I would feel guilty doing otherwise. It has made for some awkward discussion at times with people who have swallowed it ALL as gospel, but who knows what I would be an accomplice to if I stayed silent. There is so much other good Bible-based material out there on family topics that I don’t understand why anyone would choose to follow advice so heavily laden with deception.

I want to add this: Ezer Kenegdo, a Hebrew word God used for woman when He created her, only used otherwise in the Bible (the original Hebrew) to refer to Himself. Look up the meaning online on a translation site, but I like to keep in mind the NT verses about the man still being the head – balance is needed with both of those teachings. Balance that looks at any given topic in context of what else is said in the Bible about it, and bothers to seek out the original intent of the Author by reading it in the original language. Meanings and nuances often vary in that regard.

I LOVED this book. It changed my LIFE. I do not see what you see in it at all. Your review is totally incorrect.

I have giving this book to hundreds of other wives and have seen their marriages change because of it. Two women have told me that it brought them back to the Savior. One Lady actually got Saved!!

It is so sad the direction the Homeschool Movement is going. It breaks my heart not to mention down right scary. Slowly the foundation of the Conservative Homeschool Movement is being eroded away.

Mike and Debi Pearl has done more for our family — through their Bible teachings — We have learned what religion really is and found Freedom in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Praise God for Mike and Debi Pearl.

This was just shared with me from a gal that I sent the book:

I’m 5 yeas over due for saying thank you for sending me a book that not only helped my relationship with my husband but reset the way I thought. And also set me on a path of renewal with my Savior Jesus Christ. Thank You! Sometimes it is nice to know that a seemingly small act had a large impact.

And really — I think this really sums up the Created book:

Love says, ‘I sacrifice myself for the good of the other person.’ Abortion says, ‘I sacrifice the other person for the good of myself.’ ~ 180movie.com

Isn’t that the truth — Love says: I sacrifice myself for the good of the other person.

Isn’t that what Jesus Christ did for us on the Cross — Isn’t that what we are commanded to do as Christians? Isn’t that what 1 Corinthians is all about.

Sacrifice!!

Where in the world did we get this mentality that everyone owes us. Sorry folks — it’s about serving. Serving our husbands, serving our children, serving our community. It’s not about us. Only in serving other people are we going to find true JOY!!!

I do know a Lady who shrugged off the Created book — she is divorced now, with 4 kids, her husband refuses to pay child support and she is wondering how to feed her children now.

Sad.

Better alternatives to family relationship advice than the Pearl’s:

Book Authors and/or Titles:

THE BIBLE

Biblical Parenting – Crystal Lutton

Parenting With Love and Logic

anything by author Danny Silk (of Loving on Purpose)

Protecting the Gift by Gavin De Becker

Grace-Based Parenting – Tim Kimmel

Families Where Grace Is in Place: Building a Home Free of Manipulation, Legalism, and Shame – Jeff VanVonderen

Eight Secrets to Highly Effective Parenting – Scott Turansky

The Treasure Hunters: 8 Session Children’s Program Discovering God’s Treasures in Family Life for Children Ages 3-12 – Scott Turansky

Hero Training Camp: Teaching Children How to Be Heroes in Everyday Life – Scott Turansky

Home Improvement – Dr Scott Turansky

Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes… in You and Your Kids – Scott Turansky

The Complete Book of Christian Parenting and Child Care: A Medical and Moral Guide to Raising Happy Healthy Children – Martha Sears

Parenting With Grace – Gregory K. Popcak

The Blessing: Giving the Gift of Unconditional Love and Acceptance – Dr. John Trent

Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids! – Scott Turansky

Parenting is Heart Work – Dr. Scott Turansky

Kids Honor Club: A Curriculum Guide for Teaching Honor to Children Ages 3-12 – Scott Turansky

Heartfelt Discipline: The Gentle Art of Training and Guiding Your Child – Clay Clarkson

Kevin Leman: Have a New Kid by Friday and other titles

The Five Love Languages of Children – Gary Chapman, plus other similar titles by this author

The Treasure Tree: Helping Kids Understand Their Personality – Dr. John Trent

I’d Choose You – Dr. John Trent

Websites:
goybparenting.com
calmchristianparenting.com
celebratecalm.com

The above is primarily or entirely focused on parenting, not so much marriage. I’ll compile a list of safe, Biblically sound titles for that as well.

It is so sad to see that people are deceived into thinking others are utterly lost without the Pearls. That’s what mankind relied on God for, for thousands of years before Michael or Debbie Pearl were born. I prefer His message directly, not through the filter of the Pearl’s opinion.

Sincerely,
A Firmly Conservative Homeschooler

I was involved in a women’s Sunday School using this book several years ago. Boy! Did it challenge us to get deeper into the Word! While there was agreement and appreciation for much in the text, there were some very lively discussions about how the text fared against Scripture. Because some of the beliefs stated in the book were so controversial, we were all driven to search out Scripture on our own. I believe you’ve provided a balanced review for a book that seems to lack balance.

Well said!

Years ago when I had been married for 2 years, our marriage was crumbling. My husband was a more quiet steady type of guy and I was direct and overbearing and not sensitive to the way my words cut. Life was overwhelming, we struggled financially, I was not a supportive wife and he left while I was at work one day. I was 22 years old and I was crushed. I called my dad who was a family lawyer and represented Christian people in divorce frequently. He came over to my house, sat down with me and had a frank conversation. Basically he told me that my husband needed to be free to fail and know I would still love and respect him. I expected my dad to come over and side with me…instead he used that time to teach and instruct me what my husband needed. Wow…wake up call. I still hear his advice 11 years later when we go through difficult patches.

When I read this book several years ago, I didn’t agree with it 100% but it benefited me in much the same way as the conversation with my dad. I was initially offended by her straightforward manner but the Lord used it to speak to my heart on matters where I needed to pay attention. My husband is responsible to the Lord for what he does as am I. No book should ever replace THE BOOK. I am a very black and white person so I think I responded well to Debi’s direct approach. I personally don’t care for the gentle round about manner of some marriage books so perhaps that is why I liked this book even though I didn’t agree with every point.

I gave this book to my sister when she married last year. She has recommended it to several of her friends getting married or newly married.